Bill Robertson

2012-02-02T05:15:00.000-08:00

Ok - I'm back. So far a very mild winter here in sandwich. I am really enjoying retirement. I have more time onM myy hands now. Tomorrow I'll post some writing. In the meantime you can go to http://www.rowewriters.blogspot.com.

2010-08-04T14:11:00.000-07:00

i have temporarily abandoned blogger.com and twitter in favor of facebook.

2010-05-22T13:01:00.000-07:00

well
it's been forever
life has been interesting
faith went to the er on the 5th
it was about 8:30a
she was at school
she got a stitch in her left side underneath her rib cage
she thought "huh i wonder where that came from"
not too long after that
it migrated to her back and became very painfull
she went to the office and had them call our daughter who works in yorkville
i work in aurora which is further away
she thought she'd have chloe drive her home where she could lie down
but
chloe called me
and
i said to take her to the er
when i got there they were just putting an iv port in her arm
then they gave her some dilaudid (sp?) and some anti-nausea medicine
they waited for her to pee so they could do a urinalysis
they said she showed a microscopic trace of blood
so
they did a ct scan to look for a kidney stone
they didn't find 1
but
they noticed that she has quite a severe s-curve
she has had scoliosis since 13
she was 5'2" when i married her
and
now
44 years later
she is 4'11 1/4"
so
naturally
after they gave her a prescription for darvocet
they wrote down
left flank pain scoliosis
3 hours after we got home
she had to take a darvocet
then
from the 5th to the 14th
she had no pain
but
about 9:15 on the morning of the 14th
she got a stitch
luckily
she had a darvocet with her
she got through the morning
then
when she went home after she got off at noon
the pain came back with a vengeance
after she called the on-call physician's office for an appointment
her physician was off till the morning of the 17th
she wasn't sure if he would want her to take a darvocet before coming in at 2:30
so
she didn't take 1
she called back to see if it would be ok to take 1
his nurse told her to go to the er
at 2:30
we were there
they hooked her up to an iv again
and
gave her some more dilaudid
and
some more anti-nausea medicine
oh yeah
i forgot
both times
at the hospital
she got the dry heaves
this time
having seen what the earlier doctor had written
the new doctor ordered a ct scan of her thorasic spine
and
3 chest x-rays
no organ was obviously being constricted
so
once again she was released
this time with a recommendation that she see someone about her scoliosis
meanwhile
chloe
and
her twin sister in dallas
were both concerned that all this might be heart related
so
the next day
we called her cardiologist
3 years ago she had had a slightly irregular heartbeat
he said to go back to the er
and
have them do an ekg
at 2:15p we were back
another new doctor
he not only gave her an ekg
he also hooked her up to a heart monitor for about 1 1/2 hours
nothing
her heart enzymes were normal too
he did another urinanalysis
not a trace of blood this time
but
since the 5th
her creatinin had increased from .8 to 1.5
interesting
on monday the 17th we saw her regular doctor
she had copies of all the er reports
and
had seen all the ct scans and x-rays
she immediately ordered an ultrasound of her left kidney area
and
checked to see if the cardiologist had ordered a stress test
he had
for thursday
the reason people keep worrying about her heart is because the sum total of her symptoms
back pain a feeling of indigestion nausea
and
as of the 15th
shortness of breath
are all signs of a heart problem in a woman
the result of the ultrasound was that we found out she had something called hydronephrosis
an indication that she might have a blockage somewhere in her urinary tract
yea
a diagnosis
tuesday we tried to get in to see the urologist her doctor had referred her to
but we couldn't get in till wednesday
so i went in to work for 2 hours
wednesday morning i had to go to the hines va hospital to have an aortic ultrasound and a pulmunary function test
my doctor is trying to figure out why i am experiencing shortness of breath
he called yesterday to say that both test results came back normal
meanwhile
while i was at the hospital
chloe went to the urologist with faith
he wondered why faith's doctor had ordered the ultrasound of her kidney
he said that what he saw in the film was just some dilation where the ureter joined the kidney
and
there might not necessarily be any blockage after all
he ordered a renal scan for friday
thursday was supposed to be faith's stress test
but
he postponed it indefinitely when he found out she had broncitis
oh yeah
she was diagnosed with that when she was in the er on the 15th
friday morning at 7:30 she had the renal scan
and
at 1:20p we were in an scoliosis specialist's office in oakbrook terrace
he should be good
because he is a professor at loyola
and
teaches students about scoliosis
he came in
and
immediately said it's not scoliosis
scoliosis pain doesn't begin in the side and move
it begins in the back and goes down the leg
it doesn't come and go
it's a constant pain
he pointed out that he could replicate the pain by pushing on the soft tissue on her left side
he said he thought it sounded like a problem with her kidney
or
he said it might be that her ribcage on the left side might occasionaly touch her pelvis
meanwhile
the urologist's assistant called us because she hadn't realized that faith had had her renal scan at 7:30a
her appointment had initially been for 11a
but
we had moved it up because we had to get all the way oakbrook terrace by 1:20
anyway
she found the test results
and
although she probably wasn't supposed to
she told us that there was no blockage
so
we see the urologist for a followup monday afternoon
and
the scoliosis specialist has told us that if it turns out to be the ribcage/pelvis thing
pain that had only occurred 3 times wouldn't warrant a 10 hour major surgery
he said to take 400mg of motrin if/when a stitch occurs
and to take 400mg 4 times a day until it goes away
and he wrote up an order for physical therapy
so
if anyone has any guesses
please
leave a comment
thank you
sorry this took so long
God bless

signing off
goodbye for now

2010-05-04T09:06:00.000-07:00

whenever i'm aware of Jesus i'm aware of His love and forgiveness
why am I oblivious so often
not good
hi again
had a good men's group meeting this morning
2 new guys
life is really good
God bless

signing off
goodbye for now

2010-04-26T06:14:00.000-07:00

I know
it's been forever
no excuses
just laziness pure and simple
i'm nervous and excited
i've emailed my 4 Christian songs to a member of our praise team
she also happens to be the wife of our associate pastor
who happens to be our music director and the head of the praise team
I hope she likes them
or some of them
ok
at least 1 of them
i'm nervous and excited
I would love for the praise team to do 1 of my songs
I mc'd the award ceremony for the poetry contest at the sandwich library on saturday
there was a great turn out
all the winners were there with at least some of their family members
I love to see kids interested in poetry
of course some of them may have been interested just in the prize money
i'm sure though that some of them will keep on writing
last but not least
I am either getting over a cold or coming down with a sinus infection
either way
my voice has been affected
not a good thing for someone who spends 3 1/2 hours every weekday morning on the phone
ok
that's it
God bless

signing off
goodbye for now

2010-04-06T14:47:00.000-07:00

ok
wow
it's been forever
i know
my testimony at cr in batavia last saturday went well
had time to sing the 1st song i wrote
i was on key and everything
the testimony the week before in west chicago went well too
now there's just the one coming up next month in elmhurst to look forward to
oops
preposition there
oh well
OH YEAH
i'm a vegetarian now
this is my 1st full week
i started last friday
so far i'm loving it
talked to susan today
and
she said that she and sally are both falling off the vegetable wagon
haven't talked to sally yet
i saw annie yesterday
and
she said she thinks i'm doing well pretty much across the board
she just verified that i was still on my meds
i told her i've learned my lesson
i never want to go crazy again
at first i felt a little ashamed
like i'm not a strong enough Christian
but now i've accepted that God's plan for my recovery requires meds
i think annie is right
i feel happier than i ever have before
it feels like my life is on track
anyway
God bless

signing off
goodbye for now

2010-03-24T09:05:00.000-07:00

it's break time
and
here I am blogging on my cell phone
it's tedious
but
it's neat
i'm going to get to sing 1 of my songs when I give my testimony tomorrow night in west chicago
cool
I also get to sing 1 when I give my testmony in batavia on apriil 3rd
break's over
God bless

signing off
goodbye for now

2010-03-20T14:07:00.000-07:00

snow
1st day of spring
and
snow
i'm re-reading the girl with the dragon tattoo
i'm enjoying it just as much as i did the 1st time
if no holds from the library comein soon
i'll probably also re-read the girl who played with fire
i wish that lisbeth salander was a friend of ours
of course i'm sure that faith would be put off by the tattoos and piercings
ah well
maybe kalle
oops
he wouldn't like that
i love re-reading books i've liked
it's like visiting old friends
i miss them from time to time
right now we're sitting out the weather at the somonauk library
and
i'm on my netbook
instead of
1 of their computers
i think i'll email my testimony to myself
then
download it on 1 of their computers so i can print it out
i don't have a hard copy of the current version
and
i'm giving it at the west chicago cr on thursday
and
then
at the batavia cr on april 3rd
i've also offered to sing 1 or both of the songs i've written
we'll see
we just ordered the soundtrack of the movie crazy heart
we saw that yesterday
and
loved the music
jeff bridges and colin farrell both did a fantastic job
maggie didn't sing
but
she was fantastic
we also ordered grace eventually and plan b by annie lamott
we both love her writing
and
she always has an interesting perspective on life
and
spirituality
it's still snowing
it's too warm for it to do any real accumulaqting though
all the roads are clear
they're wet
but
clear
well
that's it for now
God bless

signing off
goodbye for now

2010-03-16T18:19:00.000-07:00

i'm sorry
i have no excuse
i don't know what else to say
in keeping with that
faith and i went to see the musical cinderella at the local high school
i mentioned to her that the girl playing the queen looked just like ann(e)? kelly
my 1st love
she said
oh
i always pictured her as a brunette
she wasn't
she was blonde
it never occured to me that she might be jealous of ann(e)?
after all i had left anne in minnesota to take the bus to ohio to be with faith
but
as i found out later
i was just once again being an inconsiderate jerk
how unusual
i should've looked at the situation from her perspective and been more sensitive
live and learn
what really pissed her off though was when
later
while texting our oldest grandson
who had been in the pit orchestra
he's a trombone player
or is that trombonist
that i really liked the show
i happened to mention the resemblance
don't you know that's going to get back to her
faith asked
i hadn't seen that as neccessarily being a bad thing
but something i learned long ago
but
keep forgetting
is that i don't get to decide what someone else is going to find offensive
or
hurtful
so
now i'm bummed out again
so i think i'll just end here
God bless

signing off
goodbye for now

2010-03-07T11:50:00.000-08:00

here i am the next day on the snail
ray didn't show up in batavia last night
but
tim was there
so we got to visit
the worship service was good
and
the sharing in the small group was very open
plus
the ministry leader gave me his email address so i could forward him my testimony once i've made a few minor updates
it does look like my small group at church might actually start up next sunday
if everyone shows up there will be 5 people
if not
there should be at least deb and i
okay
short and sweet
God bless

signing off
goodbye for now

2010-03-06T12:48:00.000-08:00

i'm back
I made goal yesterday morning at work
i spent 15 months doing 2 evenings and saturday morning and i only made goal 1 time
3 weeeks on 5 mornings a week and i've already done it
happy happpy joy joy
i went to cr by myself last night
since we were planning on going to sue's memorial for her son this morning she didn't want to be busy back to back
it was a very good cr
during worship beth sang a solo that was just awesome
then the sharing in the small group was very real and very vulnerable
so then this morning we drove up to the moose lodge in batavia for the memorial service
it was very nice
the pastor's message was very comforting
and
you could just feel the love in the room
right now we're at barnes and noble in geneva
we need to leave in about 15 minutes so i can spend an hour at home before i have to head back up to batavia to attend their cr so i can see ray
i have a preseent for him
i hope he likes it as much as i do
well
i'm going to go send an email to bill now asking him when he's going to send me the information and links about his diet
God bless

signing off
bye for now

2010-03-04T17:20:00.000-08:00

did i say tomorrow
i meant the day after tomorrow
sorry
bill from texas called today
made me very happy
he told me about a diet that supposedly helps people with spinal stenosis
briefly you eat meat vegetables and fat and avoid any and all grains
i told him i would try it for 30 - 45 days
he is sending me a summary and some links to read up on
i'm totally in for this
i forget what he said his father-in-laws spine is
but
he apparently is standing straighter that he has for 20 years
i told him i would keep him posted on my progress
i'm getting a little discouraged at work
our goal each morning is 9 appointments to donate blood
this is my 3rd week and so far i haven't gotten more than 6
2 people yesterday got over 15
of course i know the lists have a lot to do with it
most morning after 3 1/2 hours i haven't even talked to 9 people
oh well
onward and upward
i love though that we are not a hard sell organization
this is the first telemarketing job i've had that is on the callee's side
callee's
is that a word
oh well again
i will be back blog
but
this time i'm not saying tomorrow
God bless

signing off
goodbye for now

2010-03-02T17:37:00.000-08:00

ok
ok
ok
don't say it
i know
5 days
i'm sorry already dear dear blog
but i really am trying
i actually have very little to share today
at least i don't remember much of anything
oh yeah
i am on chloe's family plan for the cell phone i use
she pays the bill
anyway she called me up last night and asked "what the hell did you do on 02/08 that cost $42
oops
i used the camcorder feature on my phone to record my 2 songs
on 02/08 i had emailed 1 of them to a friend
$42
she said that she got the company to give her a credit because this was a 1 time event and she would talk to me
oops
3 more emails have already been sent
that got her excited
i have always been more like an adolescent in my relationship with her than a parent
when she went out of town years ago and left her car with me i totalled it
now i am running up her cell phone bill
good grief
i'm sure that some other stuff worth mentioning has occurred in these 5 days
but
i can't think of any more right now
i will be back tomorrow
i promise
so
God bless

signing off
goodbye for now

2010-02-25T15:10:00.000-08:00

hey
2 days
how about that
now what do i say though
the work week is almost over
just 1 more morning to go
oh
i see annie in 50 minutes
i can tell her about my obsession with all things twilight
wonder what she'll make of that
also letting her know that
yes
i'm still stable
skippy is at the vet's for the night now
i took him just before coming here to the somonauk library
he's getting groomed 1st thing in the morning there
he'll probably wind up with a ribbon and a new toy again
cr is tomorrow night
i think i've decided
notice that
i haven't decided
i think i've decided
whatever
i think i've decided to take another blue chip
this one for getting mad at faith whenever i get defensive
i really do need to work on that
i'll talk about that in the small group too
i think i'll call joe and ask him for the website where he and suloni got there little book published
i'd like to check that out
if it's cheap enough maybe i'll do another chapbook
i don't know
i'm just full of indecision today
oh
i got a free shirt at work today
it's all polyester
black
and with heartlan blood centers embroidered on it in red
i'm going to wear it to work tomorrow
it's xxl which is too big but it was the only size they had and who cares really
well
i have to leave in 20 minutes for annie's
faith and i are in separate cars so she can go straight home when she leaves
i think
there i go again
i'm going to peruse the library catalog now
and maybe
argh
and go to google quickly to look up vampires
God bless

signing off
bye for now

2010-02-23T17:33:00.000-08:00

3 days
that's not so bad
the winter olympics
woo woo
glitz and excitement and grace and beauty
still only 3 people signed up from church for my christ-based 12 step group
4 if i count faith
and that will depend on the day and time
maybe i should scrap the cr participant guides and go with a mixed gender format
tricky
but
not undoable
it works for a lot of secular groups
i need to decide by sunday
i'm at the somonauk library on my trusty netbook
(which i still love)
faith is at her beth moore study
won't be home till 8:45
the library closes at 8 so i'll have time to get home and take skippy out
i am in love with bella and edward and all the other characters
maybe not the volturi
finally returned all 4 books to the library
after reading them 2 1/2 times
i'm still 17th on the list for the new moon video
sigh
i need to come up with a tune for my next song
i do the tune 1st
then the lyrics
i'm really old
i mentioned to the 20 year old i sit next to at work that i have kiss off by the violent femmes as the ring tone on my phone
and she said "who"
sigh again
well
God bless

signing off
goodbye for now

2010-02-20T14:06:00.000-08:00

woah
good cr last night
faith came too
she's practically been a regular this month
i had lunch today with ray
hadn't seen him in forever
we met at panera in yorkville
good visit
i told him i would skip friday's cr week after next and meet him at batavia's cr on saturday
tomorrow night everyone is going out for chloe's (belated) birthday dinner
and i can't go
i have cr leadership training at 5:30
oh well
sigh
God bless

signing off
goodbye for now

2010-02-16T13:31:00.000-08:00

yeah
i know
i said i was going to blog more often and i haven't
oops
i'll try again
i sang a solo at cr friday night
a song that i wrote
people seemed to like it
that was nice
valentine's day passed uneventfully
for us
our oldest grandson drew had some drama
his girlfriend of many months chose to break up with him on valentine's day
did i mention that it was also his birthday
he seemed to take it fairly well
but then
4 hours later
she called him and said she thought she had made a mistake
long story short
they are back together but he is confused
we stayed for dinner and had lasagna
and birthday cake and ice cream
well
actually
we had the cake and ice cream first
yesterday was the start of my new schedule at work
9 a to 12:30 p is wonderful
i get home just a little after faith does and we have the whole rest of the day to ourselves
i love it
this morning was nice
i got a 1/2 hour break to go to a 401k meeting
which was basically a waste of time
but it was time away from the phone
i only called 66 people today and talked to 2 and got 1 appointment
i left a lot of messages though
oh
i forgot
i am obsessed
i read all 4 books of the twilight series in about 2 weeks
i read books 3 and 4 twice
and now i have started re-reading the whole series
i am almost finished with book 2
i got the movie twilight from the library and watched it
i liked it a lot
but i hadn't read the book yet
no comparison
as usual
the book had so much more to it
i have new moon on hold at the library
i checked today and found out that i am 17th on the list
bummer
oh well
you're more or less up to date now
so
God bless

signing off
goodbye for now

2010-02-10T11:59:00.000-08:00

so
panera again
faith is having lunch with a friend and her daughter
and i am sitting in front of the fake log fire blogging
starting next week i will no longer be working 2 evenings and saturday morning each week
i am being moved to mornings 5 days a week
9 to 12:30
and faith is 7:40 to 11:45
we'll have more time together
yay
today i gave some text about the 12 step support group i want to start at church to the church secretary to put in sunday's bulletin
it would be nice if i got some calls
i'll make a go of it even if i get just 2 people
i sing a solo at celebrate recovery this friday
1 of the 2 christian songs i've written
i hope i remember the words (and the tune) and don't sing off key
i promise i will get better at blogging more regularly
i didn't even cross my fingers
both of the bloggers i follow on a daily basis are so good at being vulnerable and real
i wish i could do that
i always sound so stiff and formal
oh well
i guess it doesn't make any difference
nobody reads this but me
but i do this instead of journaling so it's something i need to be doing
well
i need to get faith and head for home
i have to get ready to go place chess with some 4th and 5th graders and then head out to work
so
God bless

signing off
goodbye for now

2010-01-23T17:18:00.000-08:00

well
i'm over at chloe and jeff's using their wifi
and
now that i'm here
i can't think of what i wanted to blog about
oh
i know
faith and i went to her school's "holiday party" last night
why they had it on january 22nd instead of during the holiday season i don't know
but apparently they do this every year
we had a good time
and the food was great
i had ordered the pork chops
i got two of the biggest thickest chops i've ever seen
and they had a wonderful encrusted something or other on them
i finished all but 1 bite
unfortunattely
faith had a nice piece of prime rib
now on to another subject
i talked to a cousin in kentucky who recently had back surgery today
she is having a lot of pain again
what's worse is that she is now having pain in her legs which she didn't before
when i saw my neurologist at the va on thursday
she said i wasn't a candidate for another surgery because i'm not in constant severe pain
the fact that i can't stand up straight without support isn't a good enough reason
she was happy that chloe and jeff gave me a walker for Christmas
i guess i should be content with that
http://www.somidwestern.blogspot.com is going to be reading the girl with the dragon tattoo
i told her it is an excellent book
someone else had already told her that all 3 books are great
all three
3
she got the girl who kicked the hornet's nest straight from sweden
i'm having to wait till 5/25 when it comes out in the states
oh well
that's it
God bless

signing off
goodbye for now

2010-01-20T11:26:00.000-08:00

back in somonauk with faith
it feels so nice to be sane again
i felt so relaxed at home while faith was at school today
i didn't have to be vigilant for signs of craziness
today is wednesday so i go to work tonight
tomorrow i have an appointment at the va with my neurologist at 1pm
after that i will probably go straight to work even though i'll wind up sitting in the parking lot for like 1 to 1 1/2 hours so i'll only see faith early in the morning and at night when i come home to go to bed
i don't don't know
if i think i'd be able to spend 30 - 40 minutes at home i might go home before work
we'll see
friday night is faith's belated Christmas party for work
then saturday morning is my 1 saturday a month off
so my weekend will begin friday morning and go until next wednesday night
yay
i love only working 10 1/2 hours a week
it would be nice if i could work days though
even though i'd have to work 17 1/2 hours a week
i guess i could get used to it
well
God bless

signing off
goodbye for now

2010-01-19T11:49:00.000-08:00

here at the somonauk library
i've had a mini crisis of faith for a couple of days
i was slowly weaning myself off of 2 of my psyche meds over a 3 month period
i had gone from 8 mg of risperidone to 0 mg
i had gone from 225 mg of effexor to 75 mg
that lasted for about 3 or 4 days
then i started feeling squirrelly
i started getting into crazy thinking again
so 2 days ago i went back to 1 1/2 mg of risperidone and 150 mg of effexor
now i feel stable again
i'll wait here for a month or so to make sure i stay stable
if i get squirrelly again i'll increase them again
i was doing this with the knowledge of my psychiatrist
i've told hime i've increased the dosages now too
he's asked to be kept informed
that's what he had said too when i'd told him i wanted to cut back
anyway
the crisis of faith has been because God is not enough for me
i need meds too
i know it's silly
i don't have a crisis of faith because i have to take my diabetes medications
so what's the difference
i guess it's that when it comes to mental illness it feels as though meds are somehow a crutch
as though i have a weak will
or not enough faith
when i guess i should just realize that illness is illness
sigh
you'd think i would've learned my lesson
i tried the same thing (only i was on only 1 medication then) 19 years ago and i went crazy then until i went back on meds
maybe i thought time had healed me
well i know better now
God bless

signing off
goodbye for now

2010-01-12T07:12:00.000-08:00

at panera in yorkville with my netbook
i gave my testimony again last night
this time at the cr in joliet
it went well
frank rode with me because he was going to be playing bass in the praise band
i let him be the navigator because i didn't have a clue as to where i was going
my weight is hovering around 200 and i need to get serious about what and how much i eat
i am going to get more serious about blogging too
i'll just force myself to use the dog of a computer i have at home with a dial up modem
sigh
i wish we could afford wifi at home
but we can't
sigh
joe and suloni will be getting home today
they flew into hartford for a book and paper show and then headed for new york to visit friends
well my battery is getting low so...
God bless

signing off
goodbye for now

2010-01-04T11:41:00.000-08:00

it's a new year already and i haven't blogged in quite a while
faith and i drove to mom's for a week over christmas
we spent the night in an embassy suites in indianapolis
it was free
we used points from out credit card
the next day we picked up joe and suloni at the airport in louisville
we got to see my aunt, my sister and brother-in-law and a nephew and his new love
joe gave me an external dvd drive which attaches to one of the usb ports on my netbook
i am now set
with gift certificates i got (amazon and barnes and noble) i bought 7 books
all in all christmas was awesome
when we got home (on the 30th) we took it easy
we spent new year's eve with chloe, jeff and jordan
faith goes back to work tomorrow and i work wednesday, thursday and saturday
right now we are at borders and i am sitting in the cafe drinking iced coffee and using their wifi
that's it for now
God bless

signing off
goodbye for now

2009-12-21T08:40:00.000-08:00

yay!
wifi
i'm at chloe's watching jordan and blogging on mo's laptop
it's been a long time
19 days
i left work on saturday knowing that i don't have to go back till 01/02/10
i've really been looking forward to this
lot's of stuff has happened but i can't remember most of it right now
chloe and jeff gave me an early christmas present
a burgandy walker with handbrakes and a seat
it has a basket that goes under the seat but i haven't been putting it on because it interferes with folding it up
i really like it
now i can mingle with people at social occasions instead of having to sit in a corner by myself
i can go shopping with faith
what else has happened
i sang the song i wrote at the cr big meeting on 12/04/09
it went well
julie thought it was awesome
oh
pastor stan has referred another person to me
i've talked with the guy about cr and jack's program
jack has said that he'd be happy to drive him to a meeting sometime
jordan and i are going to be leaving soon
i have to go to the bank to cash a check
then i pick up faith and we go to get jim to take him to lunch
after lunch we'll go to the local nursing home to visit jim's grandmother
then back to chloe's till either jeff or chloe come home
well
i'm tired of typing now
God bless

signing off
bye for now

2009-12-02T10:40:00.000-08:00

so
somonauk library
blogging
yesterday was a good day
went to men's small group at panera at 7a
took bill with me
another new guy showed up
ken - a pcc member
got home at 9a
faith was at school
she went back to work yesterday
she missed monday because of bursitis/arthritis (????) in her right hip
doctor gave her a prescription for celebrex
is that safe to take these days
anyway she felt better yesterday and went to school
i listened to the 1st 2 discs of the girl who played with fire
i think this is the way to do it
read the book
then
a week to a week-and-a-half later listen to the cds
when faith got home we just hung out
at 5:30 we started watching the news and then stayed tuned in for the president's announcement about afganistan
he compromised
send more in the pull out
then the biggest loser came on and we're totally hooked on that show
then to bed
actually faith went to bed after the first hour
i stayed up to see the marathon and the weigh in
this morning i drove faith to school
then i went to the bank and the gas station
then i went home and got skippy and drove to jewel
i used the last of the gift card i'd gotten from work (+ $3) to buy 3 bags of candy to take in tonight
to reward skippy for behaving so well i took him to the park for about 15 minutes before going home
i listened to discs 3 and 4
then i had something to eat and went to pick faith up
we came straight here
i have chess at dummer at 3p
then
go straight to work from there
that's it
you're up to date
God bless

signing off
bye for now

2009-11-30T14:38:00.000-08:00

whoa
i've been away so long
i haven't been near any wifi lately and i absolutely hate our stupid dial up at home
i don't even get tuesday morning at panerra now because neighbor bill is coming with me to bible study
at least he did last week and he is again tomorrow
i worked tuesday and wednesday evenings last week
thanksgiving was great
we got to go to chloe and jeff's after all
had i told you that we weren't going to be able do thursday with them because they were going to jeff's parent's in indiana
we were going to go to chloe and jeff's friday and have a thanksgiving meal
but jeff's mom had exceedingly high blood pressure and was told that if her new medication or new dosage or new whatever didn't lower it she would have to go into the hospital
so
we had thanksgiving dinner with chloe and jeff and the boys on thursday
and
jeremy was there too
he was visiting for a week over thanksgiving
it was great to spend some time with him again
faith and i took him and jordan to see planet 51 on friday
oh
i'm at the somonauk library now
that's why i'm able to blog
faith came with me to cr on friday night
i got a chip for finishing the step study
it only took us since january
this friday i get to sing a solo at cr
julie heard me singing a song i wrote and she asked me if i'd be willing to and after 2 or 3 weeks i said i would
so
this friday
i of course see myself forgetting the words or the tune or both
it's going to be nice getting to spend tonight with faith
no more monday night step group
well
that's it for now
i need to be heading home in a few minutes and i've got something to check out first
the sould recording of the girl who played with fire
i know
i just finished reading it a week or so ago
but
i loved it
i can't wait until one of the libraries gets in the girl who kicked the hornet's nest
oh well
God bless

signing off
bye for now

2009-11-19T08:34:00.000-08:00

so
today i weighed two pounds less than yesterday
and
tomorrow i will weigh two pounds more than today
actually
my weight fluctuates by as much as 4 pounds from day to day
it's just that it doesn't always fluctuate downward
sigh
here i am back at the desktop
just like yesterday
i really really wish that someone nearby had unprotected wifi
i would love it
faith is off at her last morning of this beth moore bible study
then she's going to get her hair trimmed
yesterday before i went to work we went shopping at target for jordan's birthday present and also bought 2 soccer balls 1 for a girl and 1 for a boy to take to church for some family in plano
afterwards we went to panera for soup and bread
very nice
it is so nice to be writing about normal everyday things now instead of frantic sneaky crazy things
my life is so much calmer post entering recovery
this morning faith was talking about how bitter she used to feel about all my lies
and how much she loves our relationship today
she deserves blessings
so do i
God bless

signing off
bye for now

2009-11-18T07:53:00.000-08:00

well
it only took me 15 minutes to get here
yes
i'm on our slow as molasses desktop with the dial up connection
plus
i'm having trouble typing because skippy is on my lap and is stretched out over my right forearm
jack s just left
he came over for coffee (1st time here usually i go over to his place) at 8a and we visited until 9:30
it's nice having a recovery buddy right here in town where we can get together
work was slow last night and i'm guessing that it will be again tonight
at least tonight will be the last night of calling for the new moon blood drive
i'll be glad when thursday night is finished and i will have 5 work-free days to look forward to
faith worked all day yesterday so we didn't get to spend much time together
i made an early dinner - baked potatoes with brocoli cuts and cheese sauce
very filling
she should be home by 12:30 today so we'll have the afternoon together
well
i don't have much else today
so
God bless

signing off
bye for now

2009-11-17T07:10:00.000-08:00

it's panera tuesday
we didn't do a lesson today
chris and greg just talked about deer hunting
kenny is hunting down by springfield and jay didn't show up
i emailed annie a copy of my testimony today
i would love to get some comments from her
susan emailed me a link to her photos of south africa on flickr
very nice
yesterday was my penultimate chess lesson at woodbury
i wonder if any kids will sign up at a later date
i work tuesday wednesday and thursday this week
but
i have saturday off
we had our last step study lesson last night
we're meeting at chili's next monday to celebrate
then on chip night we'll each get a chip showing that we've completed the 12 steps
then we can sponsor if anyone asks us to
it'll be nice to be able to spend monday nights with faith again
i'm sure that there's probably a lot more i could be talking about here
but
i can't think of it right now
so
God bless

signing off
bye for now

2009-11-13T08:36:00.000-08:00

so
this morning i am at chloe's with skippy
he's already been out back so there'd better not be any messes in the house
we just got here from on a wing and a prayer
i picked up the life recovery workbook
i had to charge it
i hope faith won't be (too) upset
i tried going on to amazon this morning
i put the girl who kicked the hornet's nest into my shoping cart
i went to check out and it looked as though it was going to bill our charge card rather than applying it toward our gift certificate balance so i got out of there
i desperately need another lisbeth salander fix
the library doesn't have it in yet
i guess i'll just have to wait
boo hiss
i haven't made any phone calls yet
when we go home (which will be soon) i'll call people
cr is tonight
yay
faith is going up to the church tonight to do some stamping and maybe some knitting
i hope the driving won't bother her eyes
she hates to drive at night
well
my basket is empty now so i guess i'll end this
God bless

signing off
bye for now

2009-11-12T17:07:00.000-08:00

damn
i forgot to signout of yahoo
i'm at the somonauk library and unless you signout of yahoo the next person who uses the computer you're on if they go to yahoo is automatically in your mailbox
not good
oh well
i'll just go back to yahoo when i'm through here
hello
the reason i'm here is because faith has a bookclub here tonight
plus
she had an eye appointment this afternoon and had her eyes dilated (?)
she has difficulty driving at night anyway
so i'm here
i picked up 2 books that had come in for me
love is a dog from hell
and
portions from a wine-stained notebook
both by charles bukowski
also a christian 12 step workbook came in for me at on a wing and a prayer but i haven't had time to go get it yet
i'll pick it up tomorrow
after faith's eye appointment in dekalb this afternoon we went to panera and each had a cookie and a small cup of coffee by the fireplace
we read the paper
i read an article about a local marching band and an article about adam lambert and his first album
oh yeah
and a piece about a couple of young actors from new moon the new twilight-based movie
we're doing a special event blood drive at heartland for new moon
each donor will get a special edition t shirt and their name will go into a drawing for movie tickets posters life-size character cutouts jewelry and other new moon-related gifts
we're hoping to draw 100 donors
the blood drive is on the 19th and i think the movie comes out on the 20th
anyway
whatever
i think thats it for now
oh
ray called me today
i hadn't heard from him in like 2 weeks or something
it was nice to hear from him
that's it
God bless

signing off
bye for now

2009-11-10T06:35:00.000-08:00

if this is tuesday morning then this must be panera
there were 4 of us again this morning
everyone but kenny
we didn't bother opening the books
we didn't even take prayer requests
a total blow off morning
this week i work tuesday and wednesday nights
so i have thursday off
last night we had our penultimate step study meeting
it'll be nice to have 2 nights during the week with faith after it's over
i guess the first week after it's over we (jack, jeff and i) will probably go out to eat by way of celebration
maybe
yesterday was busy
chess at woodbury with little nathan and conner from 2:45 to 3:45 then annie from 5 to 6 then step study from 7 to 8
annie and i had a nice session
i told her about my plan to wean myself off of meds and she seemed okay with that
i call dr ripejcki on the 14th to take the next step
i hope it goes as well as the first step did
well
i think you're up to date now
oh
i gave chloe and jeff the couples fireproof package last night
i don't know if they'll use it or not
chloe seemed less than excited
'oh
workbooks
how nice'
very sarcastic
well
God bless

signing off
bye for now

2009-11-07T13:54:00.000-08:00

so
here we are at the somonauk library again
we came so i could pick up a book they were holding for me
the girl who played with fire by stieg larsson
i hope i like it as much as i liked the girl with the dragon tattoo
so
while we're here i make use of one of their 20 computers so i can check email get caught up on blogs that i follow and blog myself
whicch is what i am doing now
the cr meeting last night was smaller than usual
5 of our regular women (not that the rest are in any way irregular) were missing because of retreats and conferences
as a result a lot of the other women decided to stay home
tim was there
he said he'd call me monday morning to get directions so he can come over
we'll see
then today i had to be at work by 8a because we had a breakfast staff meeting
work was pretty much uneventful
i talked to five donors (after 71 calls) and got 1 appointment
oh
well
that's pretty much it except for coming home and having soup and a melted cheese sandwich for lunch
oh
and for letting skippy hang out on my lap for a while
oh
and susan is home from africa
i talked to her yesterday
she had a wonderful time
i told her she should write about her trip
she's a good writer and as sally says she can give people the nitty gritty things to do in what ever country she's visiting
ok
now i'm done
God bless

signing off
bye for now

2009-11-05T05:37:00.000-08:00

here i am at chloe's blogging on jordan's laptop
chloe needs me to take jordan to school this morning
she's afraid that drew would get him there too early and he would be playing outside till time to go in
I'm to get him there right at 8 or a little after so he'll go straight inside
i have to pick him up after school too
today is early dismissal so i need to get him at 11
well
i didn't go to work last night
i hadn't taken my effexor for 2 days in a row and i was experiencing an anxiety attack i think
i got to bed real early yesterday too
7:30
i got up this morning and took all of my meds before coming over here
i need to just get in the habit of taking my morning meds as soon as i get up
i never forget my evening meds
i know from experience what happens if i don't take my risperidone
i wake up at 2a tense as all get out and i have trouble going back to sleep
meds are my life
unfortunately
i'm going to be trying to phase them out (with my psychatrist's permission
well
i'd better go now
God bless

signing off
bye for now

2009-11-03T06:55:00.000-08:00

tuesday morning at panera
4 of us met today
chris kenny greg and i
now there's just i
just i
that sounds so awkward
i guess i'll change that to now there's just me
there were just two students for chess class yesterday
they only got 1 game in
conner didn't seem to believe me when i told him that all he could do with just a queen was check he couldn't checkmate
i told him he needed to bring his king into play but he just kept checking
and nathan had been so busy adding up the points of the pieces he'd taken that he lost all of his pieces
oh well
they're very young
last night was so discouraging
ray discovered that neither of the things the dealership told me were wrong with the saturn was actually wrong with it
the right rear brake cylinder wasn't leaking and the right front ball joint wasn't loose
i hate finding out things like that
i'm so trusting
he also told me that i hadn't really needed to have the brake fluid and the power steering fluid replaced
he said he's never done that for any of his cars
ah well
live and learn
i don't think i'll go back to the dealer any more
saturn is out of business anyway
well
i think i'll head home and relax in the recliner with skippy
God bless

signing off
bye for now

2009-11-02T12:04:00.000-08:00

now we're at the somonauk library and i'm blogging
i just put stieg larsson's book the girl who played with fire on hold
i finished his 1st book the girl with the dragon tattoo this morning and i couldn't wait to get another book by him
sadly i think this will be the last one (unless maybe i hope i hope there is one more) he died in 2004 and both of these books were published in english in 2009
ah well
tim may be asking me to be his sponsor
i don't know why he put it that way
i may be missing step study tonight
i might be going over to ray's house so he can check out my brake cylinders
according to saturn they need replacing and their estimate is $450
hoo boy
faithie always wonders what i blog about
i always assure her it's innocent stuff
God bless

signing off
bye for now

2009-10-31T14:41:00.000-07:00

here i am at barnes and noble in dekalb blogging while faith looks for a book or a puzzle for hannah our neighbor across the hall's little girl
we're missing trick or treaters while we''re here
we'll probably get home when there's just 1 hour of trick or treating left.
we've got skippy with us
he's camped out on a blanket in the passenger's seat of the car while we're in here
he rode up in the back seat but on the way home faith is going to drive and i'll hold him in my lap
tonight will be the 5th night this week i'll have spent at home with Faith
when i got into work thursday night i found out that somehow i was not scheduled to work so i went home
so sunday, tuesday, thursday, friday (cause i stayed home from cr) and saturday
at home
with faith
it was nice
we have nothing planned for tonight
i don't even know what if anything we have planned for dinner
maybe we can have lentils again
i wonder how long it's going to take faith to find a present for hannah
maybe we won't even have an hour of trick or treating left
chloe said this was how it would turn out
oh well
i think i'll go look for a christian 12 step workbook
not to buy
i've got one on order at on a wing and a prayer
but i'd like to see if they have anything
so
God bless

signing off
bye for now

2009-10-28T12:02:00.000-07:00

i went to new jack's house for coffee this morning
i brought some orange-glazed sweetrolls faith had made with me
i was there for over an hour
good coffee and good conversation
when i got home the water guy had already been there and he took our 4 empties and left to full ones in the hall closet
i changed the overhead lightbulb in the bathroom
took me freaking forever
standing on a chair with my balance is no fun at all
neither is un-screwing and re-screwing tiny bolts with a hand that won't stop shaking
my hands don't normally shake
only when i'm doing something that requires a steady hand
like turning a page
or screwing in a lightbulb
for the rest of the morning skippy and i just hung out in the recliner
one of my favorite pastimes
oh
and faith actually let skippy sleep with us last night
he was good
he stayed down by our feet
at 10 till noon i got up and made lentil soup for our lunch
faith got home about noon15 and we ate
she served it
i was back in the recliner with skippy
faith took skippy for a short walk to get him to poop and then we left (with skippy) and drove to the somonauk library
which is where i'm updating this blog from
we have to leave by 2:40
we're in separate cars
she has to go pick up jordan at school
and i have to go play chess in the library at dummer
when i leave there at 4 i have to go to work
i won't get to eat again till i get home at 9:15
not a good time to be eating
oh
the chess lesson at woodbury yesterday afternoon went well
nathon and corbin played each other again
and brandon and i played
oh
well
God bless

signing off
bye for now

2009-10-27T06:54:00.000-07:00

it's tuesday and i'm at panera
there were three of us at the small (very small) group this morning
i think i'll ask bill to come with me next week
and maybe jack
i've checked my email already and read the two blogs I read so now i'm blogging
i've decided that i'm going to suggest to faith that we start praying together again
we could do it every morning and every evening
i think that would be good
i don't have anything on tap for today
I'll go home and do the dishes and take my jeans out of the drier and bring them and my grey pants upstairs
i'll also see if i can find my red sweater and my blue mock turtle
oh
and i'll pick up two poops in the backyard
then i'll sit back in the recliner with skippy on my lap and read
sounds like a plan
God bless

signing off
bye for now

2009-10-26T08:53:00.000-07:00

so
here i am outside chloe's house accessing their wifi in the driveway
we had a good weekend
i went to cr friday night and that was great as usual
saturday after work i think it was just a lazy day
i remember faith wanted to go to a movie
but
we didn't
sunday we went to church
i got cds of both last weeks and this weeks sermons
i like to listen to them in the car
after church we went for a drive in the country
beautiful fall leaves
we stopped at an orchard and got some apples, some cider and some pumpkin donuts
then at 3p we went to the highschool to hear the wind ensemble drew's in
they closed with phantom of the opera
beautiful
God bless

signing off
bye for now

2009-10-21T13:16:00.000-07:00

here i am at jordan's house
i picked him up after school and since it's wednesday we go to his house
on thursdays he comes to our apartment
which he finds very boring
mainly because faith won't let him play with his ds there
so here we are at his house and here i am on jordan's laptop
i forgot to bring my netbook
i've called tim 3 times so far today
grace has told him she wants a legal separation and he's pretty worn down because of it
just checking up on him
aside from those calls (and a call from joe) it's been basically me on the recliner with skippy
very relaxing
and i needed that
because i'm feeling totally zonked
i have to wake up and consciously change positions at night so i don't get that much continuous sleep
drew and nicci are here now so i guess i'll go for now
God bless

signing off
bye for now

2009-10-20T06:20:00.000-07:00

so
here i am at panera again
we just finished our bible study and now i'm checking email and blogging
we were all here today except greg
all
sounds like a crowd
chris, kenny, jay and i
all
susan is starting week 2 of her african adventure
sally is continuing her daily breakfasts for mom
and i'm going to be continuing my daily communing with skippy on the recliner
God bless

signing off
bye for now

2009-10-19T09:48:00.000-07:00

wow
has it been that long
yes
i guess it has
I GAVE MY TESTIMONY
and it went fine
a lot of people cringed
but
no one actually walked out
feedback was mostly positive
God is good
all the time
i went to new jack's house for coffee this morning
we had a nice visit
i went to old jack's wedding reception saturday afternoon
there was a good turnout from cr
right now i am at chloe's visiting with our middle grandson who's going back to his dad's this afternoon
i have to get him to his mom's work by 1:30
actually visiting is too strong a word
he's playing an online computer game while i'm blogging
but
we are in each other's company
that should count for something
God bless

signing off
bye for now

2009-10-13T06:49:00.000-07:00

well
there was no step study last night
i was a little disappointed
but
that meant that i get to spend two nights in a row with faith
so right now i'm up at panera again with my little aspire one
our small group meeting - the last vestiges of it - just broke up and i'm here on my own now
i'll be leaving very shortly to get home to skippy
chris still says he'll be coming friday night
he'll be the only one
that'll be fine
i asked for prayers for humility this morning
i really don't want to blow this with vain conceit
i need to remember to go buy light bulbs when i leave here
i think i'll go ahead and leave now while it's on my mind
God bless

signing off
bye for now

2009-10-10T15:30:00.000-07:00

well
i'm sad
i just found out this afternoon that a nephew and his wife are going to be divorcing
i hate to see their marriage end
they are saying that they still want to remain good friends
i hope they can be
i don't think it will be easy
my sister is bummed out about it
faith and i will keep everyone concerned in our prayers
we are watching our youngest grandson this weekend
he spent the night at a friends house last night
we picked him up this morning and then went to his soccer game
it ended in a 1 - 1 tie
it was cold out but what did i expect it's october in illinois
we may be taking him to see a movie tonight
cloudy with a chance of meatballs
his parents get home from texas tomorrow afternoon
they went to our daughters's 20th highschool reunion
just 6 days till my testimony
i just hope i can keep my ego out of it
"do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit" it says in phi 2:3
pray for me
God bless

signing off
bye for now

2009-10-07T07:04:00.000-07:00

so here i am sitting at the saturn dealership in naperville
came in for an oil change and am having my brake fluid and steering fluid flushed and changed
$325
$325!
at least they have free wifi
tonight i go with jack s to his meeting in st charles to hear his story
i'm looking forward to it
i'm meeting faith at the y right after she gets off work at the school
it'll be the second time this week that we've gone
we need to take advantage of this gift from chloe more than we have been
we need to be more disiplined
didn't get on my knees this morning when i prayed
skippy was snuggled up on my lap and i didn't want to disturb him
i should've prayed before i picked him up
i need to be more disciplined
hmm
is there a theme here
God bless

signing off
bye for now

2009-10-06T07:32:00.000-07:00

wow
have i really been home for a week
back in my baby's loving arms
cuddling skippy again
too much to remember
i have finally put my testimony to bed (maybe)
just 10 days to go
at the step study last night we completed lesson 20
just 5 to go till we're done
then i'll have monday nights to spend with faith again
this morning i found out that apparently chris is the only member of my men's small group from church that will be able to come to my testimony
oh well
that will be fine
i need to take faith's car in this afternoon to have the right rear turn signal light replaced
then tomorrow morning i take my car in for an oil change and to have the tires checked out
the more i try to focus on prayer the more the enemy causes distractions to interrupt me
i want to pursue a more faithful walk
i want to banish doubt and unbelief from my mind
so there's a little bit of spiritual warfare going on
but
i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
God bless

signing off
bye for now

2009-09-28T14:04:00.000-07:00

day 2 in lexington
i got up at 9 again and went through the morning routine with mom
about 10:15 headed over to aunt libby's
we had a very nice visit
max was bumbling around a lot
his hind legs have trouble carrying their share of the load occasionally
he kept pacing and pacing
anxious for nickie to get there and feed him and take him for his walk
libby and i had lunch together
a tuna stuffed tomato for her and a blt and onion rings for me
i think i've probably put on about 5 or 6 pounds on this trip so far
sally just called
she and bruce are going to stop for dinner after work then come over here to visit some more
nice
tomorrow i plan on getting up at 8 and leaving for home by 9
i'm not looking forward to the solo drive home
it was okay coming down because the driving was split (about equally) over 2 days
and i had company on the first day
well
i'd better get back an visit with mom some more
God bless

signing off
bye for now

2009-09-27T13:19:00.000-07:00

ok
so i didn't blog last night like i said i would
but here i am today
the service our men's ministry held on friday night at the hotel was awesome
the dinner beforehand was very good too
our speaker was excellent
chris h gave his testimony and it was great even though he was so nervous that his voice quavered
but the highlight was when we each wrote a one word struggle on a three by five card and then went up front to the cross
first we folded the card in half then we dipped our fingers into some red paint symbolizing Christ's blood
we smeared some of the paint on the card then thumbtacked it to cross
i had a lot of trouble with the thumb tack
i dropped two of them
the line behind me was getting longer and longer
finally someone gave me a hand and i got it tacked up
there was a white cloth draped over one arm of the cross for us to wipe our fingers on
when everyone was finished the cross looked ...
i don't even know how to describe it
the next day at iron sharpens iron was also awesome
the keynote speakers were wonderful and very inspiring and the two workshops i went to were very interesting
the worship services were very moving and the music was magnificent
the church where it was held - 91st street christian church - was awe inspiring as well
the church was an order of magnitude greater than our church
not that i don't think pcc is just fine
i would feel lost in a facility that large
the first workshop i went to was on the kairos prison ministry
i asked the presenter to email a local contact to me
i'm thinking about getting involved in either kairos or emmaus again
i'm not totally sure that i would want to make the necessary time commitment though
maybe i should just be happy with celebrate recovery being my ministry for now
we'll see
it would be great to bring the walk to emmaus to pcc though
well
i'm at mom's now
i got here about 8:45 last night
i should've stopped to pee first
i had an accident on the way to the bathroom
sally and bruce came over and we visited till about midnight
great fellowship
i got up this morning at 9 and took mom her thyroid pill and her first glass of water
after i fixed breakfast for mom and put out her am meds and got something to eat myself i settled down in the recliner and read the newspaper till sally and bruce came over again
right now bruce is back home finishing up some weekend tasks but sally is still here
they're going to go to kabob and chipotle for dinner stuff in a little while then they'll come back here and once robin gets through at the knit shop she and philip will join us for a birthday celebration for mom
91!
her actual birthday is tomorrow but it was more convenient for us to all get together tonight
well
now you're up to date
God bless

signing off
bye for now

2009-09-24T13:23:00.000-07:00

lunch with chloe at taste of china
yum - spicy orange chicken
ah - good conversation
more like a monolog by chloe
now i'm updated on all the grandkids
got a message froom randy today
that was nice
it was an out of the blue kind of thing
got the hotel's address from chris m today
i yahoo-mapped it and it's already in the car
so is the list of workshops i want to go to on saturday
i'm really looking forward to this
i'll pack tomorrow morning after i shower
i won't be able to blog tomorrow but i'll blog as soon as i get to mom's saturday night

signing off
bye for now

2009-09-23T13:21:00.000-07:00

so not much has happened
i went to the va clinic in aurora this morning for a blood draw in preparation for a regular doctor's visit on the 5th
and that's about it
i work tonight and tomorrow night then i leave for indianapolis friday at 11:15am

signing off
bye for now

2009-09-22T06:53:00.000-07:00

so here i am at panera after meeting with my tuesday morning men's small (very small this morning - just three) group from church
asked for prayers for travel safety for this weekend
faith works all day today so more cuddle time with skippy
my battery is very low - just an hour left
i forgot to charge it last night
i'll be going home soon
i need to stop being a "double minded" person
i should learn to pray with faith
i should also pray more with faith
just a couple of thoughts
i think i'll go home and make some phone calls
i think i'll stop at mickey d's for a breakfast burrito first
oh - there was no step study last night
old jack had to work overtime

signing off
bye for now

2009-09-21T08:07:00.000-07:00

hi
it's been a while since i've had wifi access
friday i went to celebrate recovery with faith
we both had good small group sessions
watched a powerful testimony from saddleback
julie gives her testimony on the 2nd and i give mine on the 16th
i'm not sure how i feel about having to follow hers
i'm sure hers is going to be very good
i don't remember what we did on saturday (damn this short-term memory loss)
yesterday we went to church and faith got baptised!
chloe and jordan were there
afterward we went out for a late breakfast
they all had texas french toast and i had the trucker's skillet with pancakes
after we said goodbye to them we went on a long drive
we went to pau pau and saw all the wind turbines - awesome
so many long arms waving to us as we drove past
when we got home we napped till it was time to go back to church for our small group meeting
i called new jack yesterday
i want to stay in touch with him
i'm excited already about the men's retreat/iron sharpens iron coming up on friday and saturday
not to mention going on to lexington for saturday night till tuesday
it'll be very nice being with mom for her 91st birthday
this morning i got a phone call from jeff g
we talked for quite a while
good for both of us
step study tonight for the three of us still left

ok
signing off
bye for now

2009-09-17T07:20:00.000-07:00

nothing much new to talk about since yesterday's post.
i keep using my new rythym touch massager on my back and it does relieve some of my pain but i'm not sure that it's helping me to stand up any straighter
ray s called last night to say that he could look at ray n's car next wednesday but he needs more information first
i called ray n this morning
maybe he's already got it taken care of
i don't know
i think i've finally finished editing my testimony for celebrate recovery
it's going to come in at 22 minutes i think
i've invited my men's small group from church to come for it
that has me a little nervous
i don't know how shocked they might be
i still haven't heard from chris m about the address for the men's church retreat coming up on the 26th
i guess i'll call him today
well
signing off
bye for now

2009-09-16T07:54:00.000-07:00

well yesteerday morning our pastor called me to give me the name and phone number of someone he wanted me to talk to
this morning that man and i met for coffee at mcd's
we talked for 1 1/4 hours and areed to stay in touch
it will be nice to have a source of encouragement and support so close to home
this is the sort of thing i had hoped for when i let the pastor read my testimony
it was a great start to another wonderful day
aren't they all wonderful

i've decided that i'm not going to clutter my entries here up with a lot of repetitive stuff so i'm not going to keep repeating spent time in the word today prayed called at least three program guys stuff like that

i am looking forward to celebrate recovery friday night
i am really looking forward to presenting my testimony there on october 16th

coming up sooner than that i'm also really looking forward to our men's retreat and the iron sharpens iron conference on september 25 - 26 in indianapolis
and then heading on down to lexington ky to visit family and tobe with mom on her 91st birthday
i've heard that mike and martha may be there as well - cool

signing off
bye for now

2009-09-15T07:39:00.000-07:00

last night was my step study at harvest baptist

there were only four of us there so it went fairly quickly

we did the first lesson from book four

got to bed by 10:00

got up at 5:30

came here to panera for my men's small group from church at 7:30

enjoyed the fellowship both last night and this morning

utilizing panera's free wifi i spent some time on yahoo and facebook and now i'm on blogger

i also checked out somidwestern and dooce the two blogs i read daily

while i was on facebook i uploaded the slut puppy picture of skippy

now i'm going to go home and sit out on the patio with skippy andd wait for the loml to get home from school

life is good

God is good

all the time

2009-09-14T09:06:00.000-07:00

it's been awhile again but i'm going to start being more regular
i am making a commitment to my recovery group to at least make a stab at journaling
right now i am at our daughter's house with my netbook accessing their wifi
since we don't have wifi at home i'm going to have to post just whenever i'm somewhere that does have access
today is a good day
it is beautiful out side and in a little bit i'm going to go home and sit out on the patio with skippy
i don't have anything planned for today except for my step study group tonight
there's not much to blog about
oh - i updated my profile on facebook and i requested to be our pastor's friend
i also sent a question to a guy who i think is a friend of mine from high school
ok - now i'm going to go home
bye for now

2009-08-27T07:59:00.001-07:00

So here I am sitting at Panera with my new netbook, an Acer Aspire One. I have just logged onto their free wifi and am now updating this blog. I just wish there was a wifi connection at home. There is one, but it is secured, so I can’t connect to it.

I wish I could promise that I would be more regular with my posts now, but I just can’t yet.

One problem with being here at Panera is that I am drinking waay too much coffee (I know – I know – there is such a thing as decaf, and maybe next time I will avail myself of it). There is also the constant dull roar of conversations going on all around me, but that can be almost pleasant sometimes.

I hope that having this new tool will allow me to write more poetry. Now I can go to Word without having to leave the addictive comfort of the recliner. We’ll see.

Well, so much for today’s update –signing off now – bye.

2009-08-10T16:44:00.000-07:00

i'm back
let the rejoycing begin

2009-05-04T07:14:00.000-07:00

SPRINGTIME IN SANDWICH, ILLINOIS

The harm less
hose
spews thread that’s stale
and lacks the spider’s webbing.

I can not do this any more.

The preacher
preens.
His flaccid tongue is hiding
in his textured tone.

We all must fail the fi nal hour.

The clos ed
blind
blocks the light that should
be consequential.

I am grown old too fast once more.

And where
is
the question that
begins the ending?

Tied up in the cloth of my desire?

Turned purple by the stain of your love?

And what is God but this?
Hello.
Goodbye.
Hello.

2009-04-03T08:31:00.000-07:00

it's a chilly morning here, but at least the sum is out. kind of a silly statement since the sun is always out; we just can't see it directly sometimes. I'm feeling lazy. so far I've just been lying back in the recliner listening to cds. in about an hour-and-a-half I'm going to have to go to have lunch with faith up at the school. I'll buy food from johnnie k's. then i'll park in front of the school and she'll come out and we'll eat in the car. nothing at all planned for this afternoon. tonight I go to the friday night celebrate recovery meeting. mixed feelings there.

I'm not feeling very creative today...guess I'll go.

2009-04-02T07:07:00.000-07:00

i've decided to go back to journaling.

i'm thinking of putting together another poetry manuscript. i've been reading over some of my poetry that wasn't included in ordinary things and i think i can whip it into shape without too much editing. i'd at least have a good sized chapbook.

it's quiet this morning. faith is still asleep and skippy is curled up on the love seat. the blinds are still closed so there's not that much light coming in. i wish i had plans for today. all my days are filled with sameness. it's a pleasant sameness, but it's a sameness nonetheless. but i'll take this dull sameness over th excitement of my acting out days every time.

i've got a fresh cup of coffee. i think i'll go stretch out in the recliner till faith gets up.

2008-10-17T07:45:00.000-07:00

clutching the small containers tightly
and mumbling 'better safe than sorry'
I paint myself into this foggy corner
I can't write my way out of
I am swaddled in cuddly comfort
as I go through my fuzzy days
tiny pink white and yellow pieces of confidence
buoy me up
but muffle my emotions
still
I am safe
maybe it's worth it

2008-06-27T18:07:00.000-07:00

I had a dream about my father last night
I saw him getting irritated
and watched his blossoming temper

I recognized myself
I can be set off by the simplest things

like a question
or a tone of voice.
I know there’s no call for it

I loved my father
but I was also afraid of his anger
I don’t want people to be afraid of me

especially the woman I love

I am not my father
in so many ways
but I still channel him

I will talk to Annie about this
I want to change

2008-05-16T08:35:00.000-07:00

stretched out between my thigh and the arm of the chair
nose buried beneath my knee
he sleeps
while I just sit and watch him
my life is so boring
the sun rises
the sun sets
and I have nothing to show for it
but this
the promise in this spring breeze
and your love

2008-05-05T10:06:00.000-07:00

SKIPPY TOO

barely longer than my lap is wide
legs that are long enough to keep his belly off the floor
long black hair all over his body

with splashes of brown on his feet and tail
a muzzle that is black and brown
and a small brown eyebrow over each eye

I feel his body heat against my fore arm and upper thigh
as I sit stretched out on the recliner by the window
my face not six inches from his

I watch his nose twitching as he reads a book on the morning air
a book I can’t even find
he watches traffic passing by

his head turning this way and that with every new distraction
finally he becomes bored and lays his head against my shoulder to sleepand once again serenity is within my clumsy reach

2008-05-02T07:25:00.000-07:00

SPRING STORM

the distant voice of the darkening sky clears it’s throat
and the birds pause in their singing
the smell of rain hangs heavy on the air
the morning breeze carries it through partially opened windows
and then the quick sound of the first falling drops
gentle at first and then more insistent
now it comes
but then quickly passes
when suddenly a rogue flash and crackle of sound
breaks the quieting wet
and then that fear that seems to follow
what will these days be like
I have not saved for their eventuality
and now she must suffer for it
except for that I shall not mind it
and now the once more gentle sounds
signal the passing of danger
and I sit in the coziness of our dry apartment
having passed through it safely once more
in the distance a heavy freight train whines its complaint
down its lonely track to some far off destination

2008-04-28T06:13:00.000-07:00

SHORT PANTS

every time I am surprised
by the quick smell of
newly mown grass

or the flash of the mid-morning
sun against my face in
the cool spring air

I am at once yanked back
to days when I ran without
purpose across the lawns of

freedom or climbed the
fence beside the road
to get to the trees or just lay

on my back in the fresh
green and loved
and loved

every time

2008-04-24T09:58:00.000-07:00

APRIL 24TH

we are the lucky ones
who have made it through the days of trial
and discontent to celebrate this marriage
as it should be celebrated
in the sweet, quiet murmurings and touchings
that mean so much
and make us a monument to overcoming

42 years have lined our lives
with happiness joy and sorrow
as we struggled against each other
to find a peaceful happy place
where we could both survive

together we have combined our separate ways
and joined our fears of yesterday
and tomorrow

today
we love each other
and
for me
that is more than enough

2008-04-18T06:05:00.000-07:00

OUTSIDE ONE MORNING

a pair of grackles on the lawn becomes three
foraging they strut and bob
intention focused solely on need
and survival

while I sit focused only on the writing of
this poem in my mind
giving no immediate thought to basic needs
and I

I can't maintain anything like their level of concentration
and I can't even rise on the morning breeze
and float to the nearby treetops
frustrated I give up and go inside to try to finish

2008-04-17T08:57:00.000-07:00

A BRIEF DIALOG WITH MY MOTHER

“you had a problem with that library when you first moved there”
“yes but I got over it”
“it’s better when you can let go of things like that’
“I know”
“things are fine here – no big news I’m afraid”
“well things aren’t much more exciting here”
“if neither of us has any news I guess we can say goodbye”
“okay you go eat breakfast”
“I will thanks for calling you’re a good son”
“and you’re a good mother I love you”
“not always as good as I should’ve been”
“oh you were good enough I love you goodbye”
“and I love you bye”
and outside my window
the birds keep up their chittering and excited chirruping
trying to drag the sun again over the edge of the morning

2008-04-16T09:11:00.000-07:00

the wind today
reminds me
that I am going forward
(relatively speaking)
while spinning
circling
rushing
through space
at speeds I can't
even imagine
how important
can where I wind up
be

2008-04-15T10:55:00.001-07:00

there is not much activity going on
outside my window

just a slow breeze through the
trees and grass

a very occasional car
floats by

no dog walkers or other
pedestrians

I am left to my random thoughts
day dreams

one hand vacantly stroking
skippy's shoulder

I am barely aware of the breeze coming
through the open window

life is good
life is good

2008-04-08T09:24:00.000-07:00

STAYING ON TRACK

Many years ago I began a program of spiritual recovery
My life had not been exemplary
I was frequently inappropriate and wrong headed
for example
I used to believe it was okay to occasionally leave a store without paying for something
to celebrate the path I was now on
I began to wear a cross around my neck
not to be exclusionary
but to show my great love for Jesus
one day
a couple of years into my program
over a lunch hour I went to a computer store with two friends
when we first walked in I saw a sign taped to the wall
it said
“warning – shoplifters will be prosecuted”
I felt an old spark flare up inside me and I thought
“not if you don’t catch me”
while my friends went off after some supplies
I walked over to the book section
soon I found a book that I dearly wanted to have
it was too bulky though to sneak out of the store
inside the back cover I found a companion cd and I thought
“I can at least get this”
I was starting to palm the disk when suddenly
a young boy of 15 or 16 came around the corner
frustrated
I knew I had to wait until he passed
as he approached me
he smiled and said
“gee – I like your cross”
I thanked him
I put the book back
and walked off to find my friends

TEMPERANCE

I used to think that whenever I didn’t feel full
I was hungry

I used to occasionally drink to excess
today I rarely drink

I used to smoke two packs a day
I gave it up years ago

I used to spend too much time in lustfull phantasies
now I practice staying in the moment

I guess that writing poetry is the only vice I have left

2008-04-07T06:19:00.000-07:00

CANADIAN GEESE

a great flock of them stands by the pond
spilling out onto the side of the road
a few scouts slowly begin to make their way across the road

I brake to let them cross
they have been here for three days now
what is it I wonder

that causes them to stop here for so long
is it somehow predetermined
or do they spontaneously decide to stop flying and land

and what is it I wonder
that causes me to pause in my journeying south then north again
that tells me where to stop and for how long

or does nothing tell me
and I decide strictly on my own
spontaneously without any predetermination at all

now those few have passed
and I continue on my way
wondering if I shall see them tomorrow

SKIPPY

draped across my lap
head down on one side
tail down on the other
he sleeps
and I
leg rest up
legs extended
place both hands on his warm body
meanwhile
my mind busily scurries from one thought to the next
saying
“surely there is something more important I should be doing”
then my heart asks
“what
right now what could be more important than this”
and my thoughts slow
and I relax in the moment
and slowly breathe in and out
in and out

2008-04-04T08:18:00.000-07:00

CONFLUENCE

hope is like the first robin of the year
come dragging another spring behind it
generations of leaves have fallen on this ground
but the same tree still stands
I wake each morning to find you asleep by my side
and hope we still have many seasons left between us
it has been so long since I have not known you
if you leave first
I shall know you till I die
if it is I who goes
I will never know the end of your story
and that will be the saddest thing about my dying
maybe we'll be lucky

2008-04-03T14:24:00.000-07:00

IT’S BEEN A WHILE

it’s been a while
my senses have been dulled by my medications
more and more it seems
as I go along
I am a little more remote each day
I’m not sure where this is all leading
but I haven’t written much
moved by the Mary Oliver reading last night
I went out at 6:30 this morning
specifically to see the sun rise
but once I was outside
I realized that my view was blocked by the houses across the way
I know that we are part of the natural world
but we do so many things to cushion ourselves from the rest of it
we block views
we clear forests
we build things
and we pave the world
there is so much smoke and toxic waste
are landfills our destiny
it grew light
and I went back inside to write

2008-04-03T06:06:00.000-07:00

THE COYOTE

I saw him hobbling across the open field behind two buildings
a policeman stood behind
a fair distance from away
his rifle in hand
the very rifle I assumed
that had taken away the use of his right rear leg
the policeman aimed for another shot
fired and missed
if he could just make it to the corn field two blocks away
he would probably be safe
the policeman got into his car and took off
no doubt
to go around the block toward the other side of the field
I prayed that he would be too late
watched the coyote struggling on
and realized
that each of us is pursued
not by a policeman with a rifle
but by relentless time
we all know that it will catch us
maybe now before we reach the cornfield
maybe later as we hobble on
struggling toward possible oblivion or possible immortality
the only sure knowledge we have
is that the door will open and that we will have to go through it
the coyote disappeared behind one of the buildings
and I drove on toward home

2008-03-18T09:40:00.000-07:00

INSPIRATION

sometimes inspiration strikes me
when in bed then things get worse
I will spring up grab a pen
and quickly go from bed to verse

2008-03-16T12:01:00.000-07:00

OUR WAR

I cannot bring myself to mad
and so protest in only words
how we’ve got it mainly backwards
beating plowshares into swords

2008-03-14T17:29:00.000-07:00

DEATH

is that final darkness not even darkness
or is it maybe the womb of a new birth
'when I was a grownup I used to have a motorcycle'
says my 4-year old grandson

2008-03-07T05:56:00.000-08:00

a cold wind pushes patches of march by the window
while
cocooned and warm
I sit here inside at my keyboard
struggling with nouns and verbs
trying to put myself in this reality
or at least
one of my own choosing
I get up and turn off the lights

2008-02-29T08:24:00.000-08:00

ON POETRY

is it wrong to call a stone
a stone and fire fire
I hold myself to words alone
and seek desire in desire

I do not hide my thoughts in clouds
nor practice magic in my mind
but I speak them all out loud
my meanings are not hard to find

and can an honest wordsmith play
in this garden so obtuse
I try and try as try I may
to put my words to simple use

so leaving not offense behind
I ask read my poems and know my mind

2008-02-28T05:57:00.000-08:00

new snow covers old grass
where did I go

a tree bare and bold
blue sky shines

black drops fall with no sound
winter’s melt

dog shit in the snow
too cold to smell

192,000 miles
rust and streaked dirt

shadows stand still silently
wind blows snow

spider plant sags in cream and green
forgot to take books back

new light fresh day
I am older still

sleeping dog lies near
I type stale words

cold bird’s crisp chirp
plowed streets are bare

Nefertiti’s black bust
books stacked unread

stuffed lamb stands by the rocker
water spots on the wood floor

cds stacked on the speaker
no sound

camera phone points up
re-charges

heart in heart on folded card
no message inside

yearning anxiously
phone does not ring

2008-02-27T07:02:00.000-08:00

I would not be here if not for that
am I happy

2008-02-24T13:50:00.000-08:00

stretched out between my calves
fat bare belly in the sun
he raises his head
tries to raise his head
nothing to get up for yet
little hairy guy
struggles
then (eventually) rolls onto his side
sets his back to the sun
goes back to sleep
she'll be home soon

2008-02-24T11:39:00.000-08:00

ON WHY WE SHOULD MAKE A SUICIDE PACT

the candle’s flame throbs against the shadows on the wall; dancing, dancing.
Mary Oliver’s voice from the speakers is clear and bright as a morning rain
stuffed with shrimp and chips and salsa I sit on the couch. replete
I am a long way from your warmth cradled in the near dark.
“yes I like her a lot that last was brilliant”
I am here in the now but really back with you putting together a cake for Chloe
happy birthday happy birthday
lying naked skin on skin
“do you hear the wind”
what does it all mean
we have come so far together
one day one of us will have to go on alone
I don’t want it to be me
but I don’t want it to be you

2008-02-08T07:34:00.000-08:00

COZYING AT PANERA

slouched in the faux leather chair by the fire
I see the sleet outside
and wonder when the streets will freeze over
I feel like a trespasser
as I watch the people come and go
unaware of my intrusive blank stare
I sip my coffee and feel warm
surrounded by the gentle din of the place
I'll have to leave soon
but not yet

2008-01-25T08:29:00.000-08:00

I'd have to struggle to lift my head from the couch
where I lie
remote in hand
phone by my side
the dog sleeping on my belly
the singing pig and Nefertiti
watch over me from the bookcase
the blue excercise ball
unused
sits mournfully in the corner
no need to move till you come home
the day's too lng without you
your smill fills me to the brim
your sun overtakes my night
come home
come home

2008-01-22T07:05:00.000-08:00

this constant buzz on
sitting here
medicated
in this fuzzy cushion of space
wondering about long term effects
it's been long term already
and maybe too late for wondering
but it's a safer
happier
place to be
so
so what

2007-12-27T09:20:00.000-08:00

here I am
close to another new year
happy happy
I wish I had plans
but I don't
Where do I want to be in five years
in five days
hell
I don't know
I just want to be with you

2007-12-17T10:35:00.000-08:00

“I exist as I am, that is enough…”

Walt Whitman

what I am is unsure
of just about everything
but your love
I try to make that enough
but most times
it’s not
in the darkness
when I try to pray
I’m not sure who I’m praying to
when I try to define what I am
or what I want
or what I need
I can’t do it outside of your love
I am the gray thing without you
I am worn out from just being
till I’m sitting beside you on the couch
or lying in bed beside you
or nestled in one of your (standing on a chair) hugs
and that is not enough
I need to be a genuine I
not a some what whatever afterthought of a person
but still
I love being loved by you
and loving you in return

2007-12-13T10:01:00.000-08:00

SKIPPY WAITING

whatcha looking at you
you stretched out on the other cushion
eye turned up in your head
staring
afraid I’m going to get up
call you to your crate
say I’ll be back and be gone
is that it
or are you wondering if I’m going to reach out
grab you
poke you
pet you
stroke you
and you don’t want to be caught unawares
you could sleep the day away
except for that eye
so focused and so much white
why don’t you just relax
and trust me for a while
just a while
cause in a bit
that will be it
and I will call you to your crate
and say I’ll be back
and be gone
maybe then you’ll sleep

2007-11-29T08:05:00.000-08:00

once I was whole with the universe
floating womb-like in the knowledge
that I was one
then perspective became more individual
and I was separate and apart from
no longer joined and complete
and I became the I I am today
unable to see
except through my eyes

2007-11-19T10:42:00.000-08:00

a texan in illinois

winter is the hollow end
of the days that empty out the year
with brittle snow and freezing wind
that calls to have a fireplace near.
a cold that leaves me bare-boned so
I’m like a corpse left for too long
with winter’s tag upon my toe,
unclaimed by warmth I don’t belong
among the ones who thrive in what
to me’s a deadly, killing frost.
instead I have a simple need that
cries for summers that I’ve lost
if only I could be at rest
content on winter’s icy breast.

2007-11-16T11:29:00.000-08:00

I sent a hope off just today
it cost me .82
and now I wait to see what comes
a check
or a rejection slip
it's the waiting that kills me

2007-11-15T08:53:00.000-08:00

so much of what I am
is summed up
by the yellow and blue corded string
I wear around my wrist
it can tell you everything
you need to know about who I am

2007-11-14T07:02:00.000-08:00

I can't conceive of nothingness
an end complete and nothing less
no more to be no more to see
and what an awful mystery
a void and nothing more

and in that void there'll be no I
no ego still beneath the sky
where once I was I will not be
and nothing else replaces me
there'll be no contemplation

no consciousness to mark the day
perception will be gone away
and I will be so unaware
that there is no awareness there
I simply will not be

how can that be that there's no eye
to see the world beneath the sky
no ear to hear no fingers touch
no smell no taste it is too much
I can not comprehend it

Can faith alone provide some hope
when there's confusion of such scope
each answer brings more questions
and questions that shall have not end
until I reach that final bend

I'll know or die unknowing
I'll know or die unknowing

2007-11-13T09:30:00.000-08:00

Nefertiti's head
black-coated plaster
chipped at the base
sitting on the bookcase by the window
in our living room
reminds me of that other bookcase
in my parent's old house
(and the one before that
and the one before that)
the one they had when my father was still alive
and my mother wasn't yet in the retirement home
where I grew so used to seeing it
now one glimpse of it
from the corner of my eye
and I am back
sitting in that other living room
visiting
for a moment
where I used to live
and who I used to be
My mother's 89 now
and soon
all I'll have left is Nefertiti's head

2007-11-12T08:47:00.000-08:00

dead calm and a cloud strewn sky
the air outide is gray
the pup is doing the worm dance on the couch
and I am at the keyboard again
the coffee pot is empty
and the tailings still in my cup are pale warm
there is always you there
just there
on the perimeter
of all my knowings and my thinkings
I am bored thrilled by what my life has become
and in this I am happy